Love, Relationships & a New You with Vee Christian
Vee Christian is the founder of the Mindful Love Relationships & New You Coaching. Vee is a highly successful certified relationship coach and published author of two books “They Tried. You Won.” and “Ladies Leave Your Dick at Home.” She has a 100% success rate for helping clients remove the blocks to attract an exclusive relationship and has been coaching for nearly 15 years. She enjoys helping her clients heal from heartbreak, toxic relationships and attachment style issues, as well as attract and maintain healthy love.
Listen to the full episode.
LINKS
ON THIS EPISODE
[00:09] Vee Christian on her new book “The Four Pillars Journal”
[02:12] Vee Christian on What she’s most passionate about?
[03:00] Vee Christian on her background and getting into relationship coaching
[06:00] Vee Christian on her best and worst dates
[11:34] Vee Christian on the characteristics of work life that women need to weed through for their personal life
[14:11] Vee Christian on how she works with clients
[16:53] Vee Christian on her advice for where to meet men
[18:52] Vee Christian on the process when someone works with her
[22:34] Vee Christian on the common themes she finds most frequently with her clients
[25:43] Vee Christian on her technique of a professional in person mock date
[28:25] Vee Christian on what held her back when she was dating
[33:21] Vee Christian on the Vee Mindful podcast
[39:33] Vee Christian on why women still believe in the made up fairy tale version of love
[43:20] Vee Christian on how to stay in a relationship once you’ve found it
[45:25] Vee Christian on her role models
[49:55] Vee Christian on what she’s tried to teach her own sons about their relationships with women
[51:32-51] Vee Christian on where people can find her
FULL TRANSCRIPT
Passionistas: Hi, everyone. We're sisters. Amy and Nancy Harrington, the founders of The Passionistas Project. We've created an inclusive sisterhood where passion-driven women come to get support, find their purpose and feel empowered to transform their lives and change the world. On every episode, we discuss the unique ways in which each woman is following her passions. Talk about how they define success and explore her path to breaking down the barriers that women too often face.
Today, we were talking with Vee Christian, the founder of the Mindful Love Relationships & New You Coaching. Vee Mindful is a highly successful certified relationship coach and published author of two books “They Tried. You Won.” and “Ladies Leave Your Dick at Home.” She has a 100% success rate for helping clients remove the blocks to attract an exclusive relationship and has been coaching for nearly 15 years.
She enjoys helping her clients heal from heartbreak, toxic relationships and attachment style issues, as well as attract and maintain healthy love. So please welcome the Christian
Vee: I am so happy to join you ladies. So. Yes. And I just released the third is my book. The third one is not a book. It is a journal. It's called “The Four Pillars Journal.” I haven't even had time to push it out, but it's for anyone is looking to get their “ish” together. I don't know if I concur.
So you have to tell me if I can or not, but okay. You know, because four pillars, you know, your health, your wealth, your relationship and your purpose and so I created this journal and it's a law. It's a thick journal. It's almost 200 pages, because I wanted people to set intentions for their lives, not just because we have aspects of, you know, I want to improve my relationship, but what about the other parts of you?
Right? And so I just wanted to create a journal for all aspects of a whole person. So I have since published that since I gave you that introduction.
Passionistas: That's excellent. That's great. We're glad you told us about that. We look forward to seeing it. So what are you most passionate about?
Vee: You know, I think I'm most passionate about connecting people. I think, you know, root having a relationship and it doesn't mean, yeah, you got to have a husband or boyfriend or Valentine's Day. It doesn't mean anything like that. But you know, you the value like they say that the quality of your life is going to be determined by your relationships.
So I'm very passionate in helping people connect, whether it's with friends or children or MySpace. You know, I do work with couples or people looking to be a couple. Right. But my I'm passionate about just helping people learn how to better connect with other people.
Passionistas: Well, that's a beautiful mission. What inspired that? Tell us a little bit about your background and how you came to be a relationship coach.
Vee: You know, I can think back. Okay, so I'm older. I'm over here having hot flashes as we speak in as hot as sweater. But, you know, I could think back when I was much younger, you know, and I was the go to person for so many people, you know, like I'm having relationship issues and I never thought about it.
Okay. And then I go into corporate America because I am a leader in technology and corporate America for a very large company. I noticed that now there's this whole thing called feminine leadership, right? There's this thing also about transactional versus transformational leadership. There's also a thing called soft power, hard power. I don't make these terms up. These are real terms, and they're part of my course that I'm releasing next week about Ladies, how do you leave your dick at home so that you can attract a masculine man or a man?
Right. But one thing I realized was I was really good at leading and it is not because I'm good at setting KPI eyes or anything like that. Like, no, I realize that I am really good at connecting human connection, so believe in it and in this could be two folks detriment right on my team. I have had the same people wanting to be on my team for almost 15 years and to their detriment.
Right? Because I'm like, y'all going to have to leave me. I can't be Mama Bear forever, right? You know? But it's because I know how to connect with people. I know how to get people to, let's say, play nice in a sandbox. I know how to get a disengaged employee to be engaged. Right. And to care about their work and to care about their colleagues like.
So I realize that, okay, I'm really good at this. I'm really good at it, connecting to people. And so I change it over to relationship coaching a few, probably about five years ago, right when I got my own life coach because I was struggling in dating. I could connect beyond. I could create magic went everywhere I went. I couldn't understand what I've been. You know, when I was single, I went on like 200 dates. And as with two s almost 200 men that a 200 days with one person. Okay, that's almost 200 men. And I could attract a man with no problem. I could teach any woman to go out here and attract a man, but I just didn't like anybody.
And so once I started investing into myself several years ago, then I realized, Girl, you too want standing in your own way. And then I started coaching other women who are like me, masculine in nature, raising children and corporate America leader, you know, the head of their households or whatever. I started coaching women just like me who were having blocks, just like me in their dating life.
Passionistas: All right. I have to ask. 200 dates, 201st dates. Do you have do you have a best and worst?
Vee: You know, girl, let me tell you something. I never had a really bad date, you know, And I think it's because I can, you know, and I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I can really talk to anybody. You know, I could go on a date with the leader of the clan, and I'm going to find something in common to talk to him about.
I don't know what it is, but we're going to have a good conversation. The only date that I can remember that I just didn't like. And I lied to you. Not I got up in the middle of a date and I left. I just said, You know what? I'm just going to go home. And he's like, What do you mean?
Do you want me to walk you to your car? I was like, I remember where I parked. I'm just going to leave. And what made that date just so is so draining. Like I again, I work in corporate America. I talk a lot at work. I'm in meetings a lot. And that date was like pulling teeth. He could not have a conversation.
And by the time I went to this date after work, I didn't have the energy. I was like, You know what? I can't do this shit. I'm out. And I left and I left and I remember hearing from him again, like a few years after that, you know, he asked me out again and I said, Do. You remember our date? Do you remember I left like, Dude, I'm not interested. Now, of course, my best date, though, because you, Paz, you asked, is with the man you know, is with the man I'm with. We've been together for two and a half years, and I. We connected, you know, I manifested him, so I did a whole video about how I manifested him, right?
I manifested my first, you know, my my, my husband, my ex-husband. I just forgot to put, like, shit on the list that mattered. Like, you know, honest. Keep it to yourself. You know, I didn't put that stuff on the list, so I got what I got. I got what I asked for. Right? You know, the superficial things. So when I started manifesting again, you know, because I do believe in highly spiritual, I do believe in energies, and I believe your thoughts are everything right?
Your thoughts and your actions and your beliefs. When I was, you know, intentionally again, I said, you know what? I'm going to manifest the love that I'm looking for because it's not just manifest thing. Like, maybe come, may he come? It's not that. But you have to really focus on becoming the person who is with this type of person, right?
And that's what I really work with my clients on. We have to work on you because everything starts with you, right? And so I was working on myself. I became this person and then I manifest that this man and on my list I was like, you know, he's got to travel because I love to travel, right? I love like, my thing is my tagline is catch flights and feelings.
Okay, well, can't feelings and flight either way. But we catch him both, right? Because it's not about let's just catch flights and not feelings. No, we're getting out here and we go travel the world and hopefully is with somebody. But anyway, I had other things I say. I didn't want him have little kids, you know, And I and I focused on how he made me feel like this man makes me feel safe.
This man makes me feel loved. And I started calling those feelings in. Right? So when I met him, I met him. I told him I love to travel and so forth. Right. And we had the best conversation we hadn't even had. I met him online. We hadn't even face time yet. And next conversation, he's like, I, I got a proposal for you.
And I said, What is it? You know, He was like, How about you fly down to see me? Because he was at a conference like, I live in Virginia. He was just in North Carolina for a conference. I said, okay. He said, And I'll fly you home. I was like, okay, you fly me home. I'm like, on an airline, you know, let me know.
And then he was like, No, I'm going to fly you home. And I was like, In a hell, do you have a helicopter? And he's like, No, silly. That would take too long. I have my own plane. I was like, You have a plane? And that was our date. I flew down and he wanted to see if I was going to do it right.
Like and of course, when I talked to my life coach, he was like, first of all, before you take off and do this, I need you to face time him because I was like, I'm ready. He's a plane, I'm gone, you know? But, you know, she was like, Please, based on him to make sure that he's real and everything.
And I was like, okay, bet you're right. I lost my own damn mind for a second. But anyway, that was our first date and it's crazy. I let my girlfriends know where I was. I took all the precautions, right? I just didn't say, let me go and fly somewhere and drop my drawers and nobody know where I'm at.
Right? So I didn't take that approach, but I took the safe safety precaution approaches and we had a wonderful time. So that would be my that was the longest answer to say that would be my best date. But I. I'd manifested it. I manifested it.
Passionistas: That's amazing. I can't believe you manifested a man with a plane ride. So let's go back to the concept of leaving your dick at home. Right. So why do you think women in the corporate space have a harder time doing that? What are the characteristics of of the work life that they kind of need to weed through for their personal life?
Vee: It's, you know, and it's not even just the the working woman, right? The educated woman who is grinding girl. I get you trust and believe. I had to rush home and be right here because I was grinding in corporate America today. It's also the single mom, the divorce mom. Right. And the reason why is because we're constantly in this.
I have to do I do. I do. Right. And a lot of times we're doing for ourselves, nobody's helping us. Right? And so we get in this mindset of, no, you know, a relationship is another task. A relationship is another goal, right? And then we we stay in this fixated like kind of mindset that, you know, what I'm just going to do, do, do, do, do I know some very masculine women?
My goodness. Yeah, I know some very masculine women. And it's like, you know, they get this mindset, I don't need a man I could do everything by myself. And we we are lost. Like we get lost in what a relationship is because we're so focused on I must meet this goal. I must meet this task. I must be successful on my own.
I don't need anybody else. And that's not that's not why we were even brought here to this earth. We were brought here to procreate, connect with people, have relationships, you know. But we get in this mindset like on anybody else. I've got this. I can do this, I do it, I do this. Look, I didn't change a girl.
I'd be out here cutting my grass, you know, And it's like, wait a minute, wait a minute, Let's back away from this, because everybody needs somebody. And I'm not saying you need a husband. you ain't anybody without a man. I'm saying everybody needs human connection. Right? And a lot of us do want to be in stable or healthy relationships with one person.
So I'm talking to that person. I'm not talking to a person that want to stay single and have 20 cats. I'm not talking you if that's who you want to be. Girl.
I'm. I'm with you. Okay? I'm completely with you. I my course and the women I coach, I'm talking to the women who don't want to lead with that masculine energy, who want a relationship and can't figure out why I can't get one. But we are often the one standing in our own way, and we don't realize how our masculinity is ingrained in from our corporate America job, from raising them bad ass kids, right? We don't understand and see how it's ingrained in a lot of the other things that we do.
Passionistas: That's cool. So how do you work with these clients? What do you offer them?
Vee: Okay, so first girl, First I have to teach them to one. Shut your mouth. You know that That's a big one, right? You don't realize that. You can see how much I talk. So I'm gregarious. So I teach myself to shut the hell up. So that is one thing because I think we we get into this mindset like we must compete.
You know, I must compete for a man. We have this scarcity mindset. Ladies, let me please let me just throw some data at you because I want women to understand stop having a scarcity mindset. There's no need to have a scarcity mindset. As women, we older, we older, okay? As women, as we get older, as men get older men know they know they need a woman.
All right? Married men live longer than single men, right? Because we're the nurturers where they influencers, they they live longer. We literally give them life. We give our babies lives. We give these men life. Now, as we get older, like if we look at somebody who's over 60 years old and I know I don't know if you all 20 okay, just listen to my data point right here.
But as as men get older, let's say over 40, let's do just even when we hit 40 and I'm over 40, I'm almost 50. There are almost 2 to 1 men. Almost to almost two. When I say 2 to 1, there's twice as many men looking for women than are women looking for men. So when people say, Hi, Kate, all the good ones are taken, are they?
I don't know. It depends on what you define as good. We also have to be realistic. Okay. Now, if you are 45, 55, 65, and you expect to find a man whose balls don't sag, I'm just saying like, let's be real lipstick, okay? Let's be realistic in what we're looking for, because I see that a lot date and I say date your priority, not your preference.
Okay. Everybody wants a six by the big bald head, bearded. Everybody wants him. Look at that look. You know, But if you start dating your priorities and not your preferences, you will not have this scarcity mindset. Because I'm sitting here telling women that there are more men looking for women than there are women looking for men, especially as we age.
So stop, get get out of that mindset and understand that if you are trying to attract a relationship, there's plenty of men out here. So I work with women on that too, because especially as we get older, the first thing they do is say all the good ones are taken. Not or not all the good ones are gay. Not or not. Like if you are dead set on seeing that, that's what you'll see that point blank. That's what you'll see.
Passionistas: So what is your advice for those women where to meet these men?
Vee: Always plenty of places. my goodness. Yeah. First of all, if you have never been to a golf course, it's every time I go to a golf course and I don't play golf. Yeah, I know. My man plays golf. I just did. He has me there driving the damn cart. And I'm like, This shit is boring, you know?
And. But. And when he's out there, like, I'll, I'll may do, I may do holes one through nine and then I'll go back and sit in the clubhouse. Do you know how many men will sit there and talk to me like I'm with him, man, I mean, we're just not like, right here, you know, He's out there somewhere, you know?
But I'm sitting in the clubhouse or I'm sitting at the restaurant. I'm sitting just sitting there waiting for him. I don't think women are still how many men go to the golf course and they will love the company of a woman. If, you know, I don't play golf either like I don't you could think of like works here at places.
If you want somebody employed, you know, hey go to go to somewhere where somebody can bring a laptop, right. And just go out there. The thing is, it's not even where you go. Do you realize I want you to look in the mirror, get your get your regular face together, okay. And then I want you to go look in the mirror and I want you to look at yourself.
I see so many women with the resting bitch face. I wouldn't approach you either. I wouldn't. I would. And sometimes I look at them like, she looks mean, you know, And you might not even be mean, but you look at, you know, men fear rejection just like we do. You got to stop looking a certain way.
Like I'm not approachable. This okay, This ain't approachable. This is approachable. Smile. Make eye contact, get your face out your phone. You know, it's not even like where you go. I could tell you to go a million places, but if you're not approachable, trust and believing am I going to approach you?
Passionistas: And so what's the process when someone works with you? How does it work? How? What's the journey?
Vee: Well, the first thing that we do, I have to get to know them. And I am I can really hear things and I ask a lot of questions. I ask a lot of questions because I want to understand clients. Right. And A lot of clients. And see, here's the thing. I also talk about attachment styles. Now, a lot of women have they have inches attachment style versus the avoidant attachment style.
But if you're a masculine woman, you're probably going to identify more with the avoided attachment style, something that I'm extremely familiar with because I had an avoiding attachment style and you will always kind have that you just trigger a trigger can easily take you back to whatever attachment style that you healed from. So in order for me to really understand where they're coming from, I asked them a million questions like, okay, what was what was the first thing you remember, you know, growing up with your parents?
How is your mom? How was your dad? You know, how did they show each other love? You know? What was your real first relationship like? What was your last healthy relationship? What how did it end? You know, because one thing people have to understand is everything ends. And we you know, in weathers, age is attachment style and avoidant is rooted in fear, is rooted in fear.
So if you understand that everything in the best relationship in the world will end, somebody will die. Okay, you either going to it's going to end in death or divorce. So if you put it in that mindset, it's like, what am I fearing? You will live your entire life without human connection, without being open, vulnerable, without trusting, without experiencing that love.
And so in order for me to get them to understand that I go through data, I'm like, Girl, look, look at the numbers. Here is plenty of men out here. We got to get to know them. But first I need to understand what is holding you back. Like, what is it is always something holding this person back. And sometimes it's stuff that they don't even realize something that triggered them.
You know, even when they were teenagers. But we and I'm not a therapist, but in order for us to go forward, I need to understand where you came from. Like what happened so I can help you remove the block, you know? So that is how I work with my clients. I literally have to get to know them. I want to understand them, and then I am the type of person I'm going to hold you trust and believe.
If you get a coach, that's what they have to do. If they're not holding you accountable to your shit that you need to get another coach, period. I'm Very honest, I don't sugarcoat things, but I am always here to influence and encourage, right? I don't. I don't as a mother to three sons and as a grandmother to two boys grandsons.
One thing I am is an encourager. I'm here to be your biggest cheerleader with my sons. I never put them down. I have three athletic sons and there I was not out there catching balls and getting tackled on football. So I was never that parent. Like, why did you catch that ball? What have I in? I see these parents out there.
I've never been that parent. And my older son was the number one player in, you know, when he was being recruited. He went to play in the SCC. He was the number one player in our state. And trust and believe. I was always his biggest cheerleader. I never put him down. And so that is how and when he because he was always his toughest critic, you know and so there was no need for me to be like, Damn you, let them tackle you like that.
Like, I never said nothing like that, right? And that is how I coach and connect with my clients. I'm going to be honest with you, but I'm here to help you. I'm your biggest cheerleader, and I'm going to hold you accountable.
Passionistas: Are there like one or two common themes that you find most frequently with the clients that you work with?
Vee: Well, you know, I would tell you I have had a variety of clients. Some are looking to heal because my first book was about healing from divorce or heartbreak. So those are those are, I will call it my delicate clients because they are going through a phase of their lives where it is traumatic, you know, trying to get past a divorce.
You know, I have to be very delicate with them, but very honest with them when I work with those clients because they're going actively going through a divorce. I have even helped them with their legal paperwork. I'm not an attorney, but because the legal paperwork is drawn up for somebody and my degree is in English, it is drawn up, but I feel like the jargon they use is confusing, you know?
And I'm like, is this intentional? You know? But either way. So I feel like, you know, those clients are different. So if we talk about clients who I have, I have a client right now who's trying to not get a divorce, so trying to work through their marital problems. Right. And so she also has a different name than somebody who is, let's say, my clients who are looking to date and looking to attract love.
The common theme that I'm seeing with them is one, the scarcity mindset, like I mentioned, is huge. It is holding so many people back, they just don't believe that there's somebody out there. And you know, when we talk about manifesting, we're talking about calling things into our life. What you believe is that what is holding you back? You know, so I have to work on their beliefs.
And in order for us to call in a certain type of individual or person a love interest, right, you got to work on their beliefs. So I see that as a common theme. Like the beliefs are holding people back. Another common thing that I see is especially for the career woman or the single mom, your plates are too damn full.
It's and I understand it. I have lived that life for us. I said, I've got three sons and they all played sports and trust and believe. When the oldest one was playing college football, I had one playing high school football and then I had one playing Little League football. I had to pick my favorite kid every damn Saturday.
Okay? And then I was catching flights. I my son played in the SCC. I had to catch flights. So trust and believe. I understand. And then I'm in corporate America when your plate is too full. I'm sorry. I'm here to tell girl you're not going to be able to attract anybody is to fall. How is the universe going to send you anybody?
How is God going to send anybody? Whatever you believe, if your plate is too full. So I help my clients figure out what the hell are we getting out? We want we take it off this plate because you got to shit on it. You cannot expect to attract or or be in a relationship when there is nowhere for that person to fit. So those are the two biggest common things that I definitely see.
Passionistas: So we read on your website that you have what's called a professional in person mock date. So what is that?
Vee: Girl. Yes, let me tell you, I have that as my patent pending my date. So what I do with my clients, because I have some clients, I have been on a date girl since the nineties. Okay. Since before online dating was available. And the thing is, they are nervous. They are nervous about going on dates. They haven't been one in a long time.
Or is the person who doesn't understand why they're not getting called for second or third dates. They don't know what they're doing wrong. So I provide a service and I've done it like I live in the D.C. area. But, you know, I have baked it into one of my programs. Right. And so which would include me coming out to do it in person.
I provide the professional dater who has already been coached by me. Right. You are to show up for the dates, right? And you were to act as if you how you always act. I am. I call it the safest date you'll ever have because I'm on the date too. Damn, I'm in the building. I'm sitting over there like I'm watching from my OD because I'm watching your interactions right at the conclusion of the date, we give the person the feedback.
You know what? What could you have done better is not to please understand is not to discourage anybody. Not at all. This is honest feedback that we want you to get better at. We want to understand why are you not getting second dates right? Or even third or you know, or if you haven't been on a date in a while.
Right. I want you to feel comfortable about going out here and being on dates. But again, I'm is patent pending. I have already submitted it to the USPTO. Yep. And so it is my concept, but I do it to help my clients do like, okay, girl, you ain't been a date because it has been clients that have their were married 30 years, right?
And that's why they haven't been on a date in a long time. Not because they were just sitting in the closet being held hostage. Okay. I'm just saying they were well, they could have been held hostage in a marriage. But either way, you know, they just were in a long relationship before and they're starting over.
Passionistas: That is such a good idea. I love.
Vee: Thank you.
Passionistas: Because you never know what you're doing wrong. And it's so easy to blame it on like, well, he was this and he was that. But if you are constantly having the same outcome of your dates, then you kind of need to take a look at yourself in the mirror.
Vee: Yeah. Because it's it's the common denominator. It's probably like I can admit I was the common denominator. I mean, you don't go on almost 200 dates and it ain't every day anybody. But it was me too, right?
Passionistas: What were your… what… looking back now, what was… what were your kind of big things holding you back? Do you think?
Vee: My gosh, I used to compete with men like you wouldn't believe. I was very masculine and one thing I learned, and maybe some women can identify with this, one thing I learned is if you're too masculine, right? Or if your masculine energy outweighs and I'm not saying don't be who you are. As you can tell, I'm not very whatever you like.
Like I'm not that type. You can already tell you can get that energy from me. I'm not saying change your personality at all. No, no, no, no, no. But one thing I learned is if you lead with your masculine energy, they will put you in that my buddy buddy phase. Right. And what that looks like is, girl, you like football.
You want to go get some wings and it's like, You know what? I don't want to be your friend. I will. I don't mind. Be your friend. But what happens is, because you're leading, they see you now as a an equal, a buddy, a friend, you know, And 10% of relationships have that dynamic. So there's nothing wrong with that, if that's what you're looking for.
But if you want to be ravaged by a man, if you want that strong sexual chemistry, it ain't at the buddy buddy level is one's got to be masculine, one's got to be feminine. Okay. It's got it is the polarity that matters. And so I noticed that I was getting a lot of that, like how men found me attractive and probably one to screw me because they thought I was cute, you know? But it wasn't because I was that feminine woman that they wanted to take to the next level.
Passionistas: Yeah, that makes total sense. Yeah. I mean, I worked in a, in a, you know, entertainment industry, corporate position, and I had to kind of shut down my feminine side to feel like one of the guys so that I fit in. And dating was always really hard because I couldn't make that shift to like not being the buddy and being okay to feel feminine.
And I think a lot of women experience that if that's what they're looking for is like, you're in that mode for, you know, my case 12 hours a day and then all of a sudden on Saturday night I'm supposed to flip a switch and feel like a girly girl and I just couldn't do it. I really I actually had to get out of that world and prioritize that part of my life.
So it's complicated and it's a really hard thing. And yet I didn't want to be, you know, that what you were just saying. I didn't want to be like, Well, I'm just the girl now. Whatever you say. You know? So it's a real balance. And I think it's great you're helping helping women find that.
Vee: You know, I don't think that. So here's the thing. And again, I am putting all of this in my course. So like, I'll be releasing it next week. The thing is, being feminine is not what people. Who. Are typically masculine women leaders, single moms or whatever, divorced moms. It's not what you think it is, is not. It's it's leading with your feminine power. It's not. well, I must be dainty. Am I must look like a lady. I must wear hit. I want no heels. I'll wear easy spirits. Okay. You know, it's not that. It's being the the balancing out a masculine entity, you know?
And this isn't just man woman. This is even, let's say, let's think. And same sex couples, there's typically going to be one more masculine and one more feminine, right? Is the balance in is all I'm trying to get women to understand is you have to balance the energy, okay? If you lead in your masculine energy, you're going to be of two things.
You're going to be his buddy. Buddy, or you're going to be dating a beta type man, you know, a man that is going to be more feminine. And women like us, we don't want a feminine man. We don't want a man it like, does it go So you ask it like we don't want we don't want to be able to tell our man that like we want our man to be like, Look, I got this.
I told you I was going to do it. I'm going to do now. I need you to sit down and you just, you know, we want like, okay, Big Daddy, you know, we want we want to feel like we want to feel like he's in control. Like I can walk down a dark alley and I know he's going to protect us.
You know, I don't have to come out and be like, Look, get behind me, man. You know? I'm like, I don't want that type of man.
You know, I'm about to take my dog. You know, he's even he sleep right here. I got it. I got a big old pit bull, you know, that I rescued and saved his life. But by the way, it's like we don't a lot of women who are very masculine. We want a man who's just more masculine. And us, the ladies hear me clearly when I say this.
A masculine man is not going to compete with your masculinity. He's not. He's going to go to somebody who's a little bit more feminine than you.
Passionistas: Yeah, absolutely. So tell us a little bit about the Vee Mindful podcast.
Vee: Okay. So you know what? I have been moving my talents over to YouTube and now I have a YouTube page and. You know what? I and I had a radio show, but I had to let the radio show go because that was a lot of work. That was more, you know, because it was too much work for me in corporate America and doing the YouTube because, you know, the radio show, you ladies know at the 60 Minutes and I'm like, you know, sometimes the shit I got to say, I can say in 10 minutes, you know, so you know how it is, right?
So anyway, I've been moving my talents over to YouTube. I was building my, you know, growing my followers on Instagram. And I noticed in time I did a real like where I'm talking, you know, those what do you I have several reels go viral right. But is hard to get your message across in 90 seconds and there's a lot more I wanted to say.
So I moved my talents over to YouTube and so I do post each week. Every Thursday I released a video and I talk about, you know, the masculine. I don't just talk about the mask. Glenn A woman and the feminine woman. I talk about dating. I talk about traveling and dating because, you know, as of right now, my man and I have been a 43 vacations in two and a half years.
Yes, we will get up and we will be go. And so I think it's the best way to honestly learn about your partner. If you really want to know who the hell you're dating before you get married, I promise you take a vacation. Take a trip is the best way to learn who you're dating. So I talk about that on my YouTube channel talk and of course, the attachment spouse.
I talk about communication. I talk about how to argue, you know, everything related to a relationship is what my focus is either on the podcast, but mainly the YouTube channel.
That is so true about traveling with somebody. I think the way they treat a waiter. And the way they travel, they are like the most revealing things about a person. So tell us about that. Why do you think travel is, is so key?
What do you look? Absolutely I look, I did. I did. I posted a real on TikTok and that one do kind of go viral on TikTok. And let me tell you, lady, so many people have made comments about, my gosh, this is so right I got I don't know how many comments, many hundreds of comments from people about, you know, they said this is the truth.
I broke up with my fiancé many, many couples broke up on vacation. Not one. Couples were friendships ended on vacations. Many, many, many. And I think one of the reasons, the main reason why is you're with that person 24 hours. Okay? They cannot hide who they are. You just cannot hide who you are forever. So there are crack head in.
Let's say you're going somewhere for a week. They are not going to be able to not do the crack for a whole week because some people didn't know they were dating drug addicts. This is not a joke like they did not know. But I guarantee you, go on a week vacation, you're going to know. You know, you don't know how they handle money.
You know that morning person, night person like because you're around that person and then you get to see how they travel. I mean, how are they with the luggage? Look, our last trip. We went to Thailand and Vietnam.
We went to Thailand, Vietnam a couple of weeks ago, A couple of months ago now. No, it wasn't that last year. But when we went in November and November, we were gone for almost a month. My man did not put the right date on his visa application to get into Vietnam. So we're going into Vietnam and we're leaving Thailand.
And she was just as she was getting off work, she was like, you can go, you cannot go. And I'm like, as explained, please. Then she was like, Visa application, wrong date. And I looked at his I was like, I was like, You got to be kidding me. And I could have reacted in such a negative way because our trip, then we could not go to Vietnam.
We had to stay in Thailand. We didn't have a hotel, we'd have anything. And I just said, You know what, V, I am not going to trip because he made a mistake. And he has to understand like it's his mistake. He has to own up to it, right? If I just add to it, be like, what the hell, you can't read?
Well, you know, I would have just made it so much worse, right? So I didn't. But if you go, you on a trip is something like that happens, you are going to know how they respond to stress, because every day, day to day living doesn't involve that type of stress. Right. You know, you're not going to see something like that until you're on a trip.
Your vacation plans. You know, I was like, you know what? All I turned to him and said is that, you know, let's just get a hotel, which is fine, a hotel, and we'll try again. You know, when your visa date up, you know, comes up and we'll just go again. I said, But babe, you're going to eat these costs. And I said, Like that. And that's all I said. I didn't say another. We're and we went on about our vacation.
Passionistas: Yeah, that's great. Yeah. I think you learn a lot about someone when they're out of their comfort zone. You know, I think when you're not in your day to day routine, you see how people handle every little element of life. I also think it's important to find out whether someone is a they get to the airport early or go to the airport at the last second kind of person.
Vee: We are the opposite in that. And 80%. Are you are definitely. I'm the one is running. I'm the one is like O.J. Simpson running through the airport. I'm glad we got plenty of time. She didn't I'm just girl I'm booking it Where is he is former military where Yeah we are definitely the opposites in that.
Passionistas: So why do you think women still believe in this notion of the the made up fairy tale version of love? And how is that hurting them moving forward?
Vee: You know, I think we're blinded by what the media shows us, whether it's TV, movies or what choose to show you on social media. Right. You got to understand is social media isn't real. Right. And I think a lot of us get caught up in the smiles that we see. You know, when somebody says, take a picture, you know, and I don't know if anyone ever saw the video.
And I wanted to do like, you know, a response to her video. She did a really good video like she was she had shown the great love that her boyfriend was showing her on camera. But behind camera, she, you know, came out and said she said, well, the love also looks like this, the bruises on her face. He was, you know, physically, physically abusing her.
So we have to understand that everything that we see in social media isn't real. The movies aren't real. Right. And what I want there's this book. I'll take it. If I can remember the name of the book. It came out in 2010, No Escaping Me, but what she talks about in the book and I know some people may take offense to it, but it's it's realistic.
And I support what she's saying. You know, you keep looking for something better and better and better, right? Because something is telling you that there's always something better around the corner. You think you're swiping left and right on the dating app. You're thinking you're going to eventually get to something better and better. And we have this mindset that, it's always going to be something better around the corner.
Instead of looking at what is right here, how can I develop a create something with this person that's in front of me? If I'm dating to my priorities, I need to focus on that, you know? But the media as well as, you know, the movies and TV's is always something better around the corner. But you can't live your life like that.
You have to live your life for a here and now, like right here in this present moment. Don't live your life for tomorrow, but live it for right now. And so people get stuck in that. No, I'm just. or they have this mindset. God is just going to send me the perfect person. And I'm like. Is he is he really?
You know? Because even though I'm I'm not a Bible pusher or a thumper, I'm not you know, I do believe in God. Absolutely. But I could have sworn the Bible also says faith without words is dead. We get a lot of people that think they don't have to do a damn thing or a girl. Somebody's going to come in a house and rob and that will be the love of their life.
And I'm like okay. Well, you know, when you get tired of waiting for somebody to come rob you at your house, please call me, you know, so we get that Those are two extreme right here. But then you've got the people who keep believing in that fairytale, and it's like,
I don't know. I'm pretty sure you're going to have to do some work. You're going to have to do some work. There's no way you're intentional in getting a job. You're intentional in buying a house, you're intentional and, you know, raising your children, having kids. People don't want to be intentional. it's just going to happen. Because I saw it in the movies.
The girl was walking down the street and she picked up a penny and they went down at the same time to pick up the penny. And now they're getting married next month. Girl, that's a down movie. Okay? Stop having that mindset that everything in the movies is going to happen like that for you. No, no, no, no. Listen, we got to put in some work, right?
We have to get out here and meet people. The more people you meet, the higher the numbers. It's a numbers game. It's a numbers game.
Passionistas: Yeah, absolutely. So what's the question that we're not asking you that we should be asking you about finding love?
Vee: Well, you know what? I would love to let me add on, because it's one thing to attract love, right? But it's another thing to keep it. So what are you doing to keep the love? Because I could teach any man or woman to go out here and attract somebody. Girl But when your engine YOLO in July start going off because you have never healed the inside of you, you have never learned how to be in a relationship, you will turn a turn everybody away from you, whether it's your attachment style, your the way you communicate, the way you argue, you know, the way it could be anything, the way you spend time.
Your expectation is not not communicating your boundaries. Those are the things that's going to matter a lot more than I could teach you how to be on a date. I could teach you how to go on dates. But if you don't work on those internal demons, it doesn't matter what I teach you, okay? You don't work on the things is holding you back.
A relationship will be the last thing that you got to worry about because it will always be a far away from you. So teaching people how to attract the love. Yes. But you've got to also focus on, well, how do I grow love? How do I keep love? How do I communicate? How do I establish boundaries? How do I speak up for myself?
How do I, you know, have disagreements, disagreements as opposed to bring you two together if they're tearing me apart because you're not fighting correctly, then maybe you need to learn why. What do you need to do better? Right? So it's more so like that's why I say I teach people how to attract love and to keep it. And so I would love people to focus as well on, you know, not just going out here, getting dates.
I would like. Right. How to be great and how to look good and smell good and all that great stuff. But girl, how are you going to keep this man? That's what you also need to focus on.
Passionistas: And who are some of your role models, your your female role models growing up and that you learned either about relationships from or about being this strong woman from?
Vee: You know, I would say my mother growing up, growing up, I say my parents taught unfortunately, I'm going to say taught me how to be very masculine. It wasn't their intent. It wasn't their intent. My parents had been married 51 years. My mother was born and raised in Taiwan. My dad is American, born and raised from Chicago. My dad fought in the Vietnam War and met my mother.
There used to be a military base in Taiwan. My parents are still married and very happily married. I watch my mom, you know, I saw her do all the feminine things, but they didn't raise us to be like that. They raised this to be get your own, Get your own, get your own right and have that mindset. And so that's how I grew up.
But I look back at it now and I'm realizing that especially as I was creating my cause, like my mother is the most caring and nurturing person there is. But here's the thing. My mother knew how to use her feminine energy. We had this mindset that Asian women are much more submissive than, you know, other American women. And the thing is, it's not true.
It's not true. It's the nurturing part. It's nurturing because I never see my mother go to my father and be like, Whatever you like. I still do. I never see my mother that, okay, I can promise you that. You know, I have seen my mother, you know, speak up for herself for sure. But one thing I saw in my mother is she knew how to be that feminine power for my dad.
Like, you know, Chinese people take a long time to prepare the food and but my father would always call her when he got off work. My mother works. She still works in her seventies. Okay. My father's fully retired, but he would call home and said, I'm on my way home from work. My mother had already chopped up all the vegetables and the meat or whatever.
She would always start stir frying it. And so when he walked in the door, dinner would be ready right? He would put his clothes away. And then we all sat down as a family. We ate. Now, I could tell you what my father does for my mother because there's not one way is bidirectional, right? Because my mother has lived in his feminine power.
Its power I want women to understand is power. My goes out. He goes about his way to make sure my mother's okay because she when she gets off work, she now she calls home. I'm coming home from work. My dad sets his timer and says it takes 13 minutes for her to get home. He sets it on. Is it on his watch or his iPhone?
And when that timer starts clicking at like 11 minutes down, then. Okay, now two more minutes. Now. My dad is sitting at the front door on the steps waiting for my mother to come home. He makes sure that and when she walks in the house, not not a dirty dish is in there because he looks out for my mother.
We have to understand that relationships. It's a partnership, right? And I saw that growing up, but I didn't understand it for a while. Right. I saw it. I saw it all my life. You know what, a feminine woman really is. My father will do whatever it takes to make my mother happy. That is what is using your feminine power is.
Is the power of influence is not. Like I said, I never saw my mother get on her hands and knees and shine his damn shoes. It's not that we got to get out there. Mindset is using what God gave you. You're an innately a nurturer. You're innately an influencer. Relatable. You are that woman, right? It's already within you.
It's using that power to attract masculine man. And like my daddy is always in and out in maleness. My dad has always said, even since when I was a little girl, he said, You can get a man to do whatever want. And I never understood that. You know, he would say that when I was like a teenager and twenties when I got married in my twenties.
If you can't get a man to do whatever you want him to do, then you're doing it wrong. And what he means by that is if you can't get a man to do what you want, you are not using your feminine power correctly.
Passionistas: That's fascinating to think about. Thank you. Thank you. What have you tried to teach your own sons about their relationships with women?
Vee: My oldest son is the one who's dated. And he has two children. You know, he's almost 30. And I like, you know, they they definitely listen to me. They know about attachment styles. They know what a clingy woman is. And, you know, I think a lot of times they're looking for a woman like their mother. And I'm like, look, I hate to tell you, she don't exist, but it's me.
They don't make them like me all the time, you know? They just want a woman who is relatable. And one thing that I think they're learning is that, you know, they have to be they have to show up a certain way in order for her to show up a certain way. Right. You can't always look at her. What are you doing?
Like and I tell my clients this, if seeing something outward that doesn't look good, right, is something that you don't want to see, then you need to look inward because you're putting an energy out. And so that's one one thing that I focus with my children on, especially my older son. I think he fully understands that now. Like, okay, what am I doing is causing this, right?
We got to stop looking at the other person. Well, this person, my gosh, you know, what are you doing? What are you doing? Because you're the only person that you can control. And then I'm going to I hate to have to end on you all so suddenly, but corporate America, culturally, maybe.
Passionistas: We totally understand. Just quickly, where can people find you to work with you?
Vee: Absolutely. So please, please, please. You can email you can email me at be mindful dot com. You can go to the be mindful dot com the what my website I'm also be mindful the handle on YouTube you like to find my YouTube page and on IG I am be mindful underscore coach on IG.
Passionistas: Thank you. Return to corporate America.
Vee: I Appreciate the time. Thank you so much ladies for being interested and even talking to me today.
Passionistas: Thanks for listening to The Passionistas Project. Since we're not only business partners but best friends and real life sisters, we know how unique and truly special our situation is.
We know so many solopreneurs, activists, women seeking their purpose and more who are out there doing it all on their own. They often tell us that they wished they had what we have, so we're creating a space for them and you to join our sisterhood where trust, acceptance and support are the cornerstones of our community.
By joining, you become part of our family. We'll give you all of our Sis Tips on building meaningful relationships through the power of sisterhood and all the tools you need to thrive in three key areas: business growth, personal development and social impact. You'll learn from our panel of Power Passionistas who are experts on topics like transformational leadership, following your intuition, the power of voting, and so much more.
You can join us virtually and in person at storyteller events and meetups to connect with other members of the community. And you'll be able to participate in our online forums with other like-minded women and gender non-conforming, non-binary people who share your values and goals.
Be sure to visit The Passionistas Project to sign up for your free membership to join our worldwide sisterhood, a passion driven women who come to get support find their purpose and feel empowered to transform their lives and change the world.
We'll be back next week with another Passionista who’s defining success on her own terms and breaking down the barriers for herself and women everywhere.
Until then, stay passionate.
Commenti